Why Sherlock Holmes will not be successful in India?

**Disclaimer: This post is meant only for humor and not intended to defame anyone or anything. This blog post is as fictional as Mr. Holmes himself. Just relax and enjoy the post.**

Sherlock Holmes. He is known for his sound logic, reasoning and deduction. He is a consulting detective living in 221B, Baker Street, London, England. Though he is a fictional character, there is museum dedicated to him in actual 221B, Baker Street in London. Such is the popularity he gained from his adventures documented by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

After seeing the latest episode of the TV-series based on modern edition: “Sherlock – The Abominable Bride”, an idea struck me immediately. We have Byomkesh Bakshi, the Indian Avatar of Sherlock Holmes. But:

What would happen if Sherlock Holmes took a case in India?

Below is my humor-filled attempt to answer the above question. There would be several factors to consider, which are listed as below:

  1. Sweat

This would be one of the critical challenges that Sherlock will have to tackle in India. I mean he wears a suit and a travelling cloak and a hat all the times. He would be sweating buckets and I wouldn’t be too surprised if he had to be hospitalized due to excessive dehydration! I mean India is not the country of suits and boots. It is the land of lungi, dhoti and pajamas and chappals and sandals. And believe me or not, it is very hard to concentrate when you are drowning in your own sweat. For all we know, Dr. Watson might be busy to make him drink water on regular intervals than take notes of what is happening.

2. Different details and deductions

Holmes always required details, as minute as they can be. He claims that it is the smaller details which help in solving the case. Let us imagine that a murder has been committed and witness saw a man stabbing someone just a few meters ahead of him (obvious truth in the case) and Sherlock and Dr. Watson are called for investigation. As usual, Sherlock interviews the prime witness and he tells him a blunt description. Sherlock routinely asks for anything peculiar happened before or after stabbing. Witness replies: “Yes, Just before the stabbing there were some small pop sounds and a rotten smell coming out from the victim.” Sherlock’s eyes glowed with a possible mystery related to triggered poisoning, sensing which, Dr. Watson plainly said: “Calm down, Holmes, it was a fart. Just a fart.” 😉 😀

3. Gossip and clouded information

Another issue Sherlock would be tackling is: bragging and gossiping. Let us say there was a kidnapping in a certain village. Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were invited to investigate. Now villagers are always closely connected to each other. They had information (gossip) about every member of their community. For someone like Sherlock Holmes, it should be only a matter of time to extract useful clues from such well informed sources around him. But here is the twist! A few interview dialogues as noted by Dr. Watson would go on like this: “So when did you last see the victim?” “Hain! O.o “ “Arey Chacha, akhri baar launde ko kab dekhe rhe?”….“Umm, humar bagal ke gaon wala tau ji nahi hai kya….wahi jo lambi dakar ke liye poore gaon me jaane jate hai….haan wahi…wo yaha humare gaon me aaye rhe…apni beti Champa…..haan wahi….jo gana bahut hi acha gaati hai…ek dum koyal ki tarah….haan..to wo Champa ka rishta leke aaye rhe yaha…or puch rahe the koi layak launda hai ya nahi. Hum issi sadak se jaa rahe the…apne padosi ki mausi ki bitiya…wahi jiske aadmi ka bada sa khet hai gaon ke bahar…. haan..to ussi ke bete ko dekhne. To jaise hi hum gali me mudde to hum kya dekhte hai………. (long dramatic pause)” “Tumne ladke ko dekha udhar?”….”Arey nahi nahi bhai, bata rahe hai na…. rukiye to thoda…kahi bhaga thodi na jaa raha hai! AREY O CHOTU KI MAA, jara chai to bhijwana 3 cup! Sath me biscuit bhi, bade sahab aaye hai! Haan…to jaise hi to gali me mudde…dekhte kya hai ki…wo tailor master ka ladka…..haan wahi…jo kal parso aam ke bagiche me bhi pakda gaya tha….wahi wahi….wo ek bhensiya ko pathar maar raha tha. Humko bahut hi bura laga….jaam ke dutkar lagaye….to ek dum hawa hua udhar se. Fir jaise hi padosi ki mausi ki bade khet wali beti ke ghar me ghus rahe the apan bagal ke gaon wala dakar chacha ke sath unki beti ka rishta liye to …….piche se ek “ladka” namaste karta hua gaya. Shayad wahi tha…shakal to thik se dekh nahi paaye. Badi hi jaldi me the bhaiya <Spits gutkha near by>” Sherlock fainted!

4. Political Pressure

Sherlock might have to face political pressure too when some high-profile suspect is involved. Let us assume that Sherlock was called to investigate the scam by some politician. The politician came to know about it and called him for a meeting. Sherlock, habitual to meet intelligent criminals like Moriarty, went to the politician with similar expectations. A man of habits, he arrived on time and then waited for 2 long hours for the politician to show up. Sherlock opened his mouth to make a statement of observations he had made in that little time about him and just then politician said: “Ama, bakwaas to kijiyega nahi! Hum jaante hai hum kon and aur ye bhi ki aap kaun hai! Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson, ek hi request hai aap se ki ye scam me jyada khusar-pusar karne ki jarurat to hai nahi! Jitna investigation karna tha wo humari banai hui “Investigation Team” kar li hai aur report bhi de di hai! Uske left-right me thodi si bhi budbud kiye na public me…to kaha hawa hoke…kidhar prakat hoge…..ye tumhari amma bhi nahi jaan payegi! To apni keemat boliye or mamle ko yahi rafa-dafa kar dijiye….nahi to ye scam ki money ki tarah aapko bhi gayab kar denge…keh de rahe hai abhi se. -_- ” <Holmes jumped from a building>

And that is how, I am afraid, that the chronicles of Sherlock Holmes would conclude in India! 

PS: Sorry for a long post. 

Mae Alssalama (Good Bye in Arabic) 🙂

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