Why Sherlock Holmes will not be successful in India?

**Disclaimer: This post is meant only for humor and not intended to defame anyone or anything. This blog post is as fictional as Mr. Holmes himself. Hence relax and enjoy the post.**

Sherlock Holmes. Sherlock Holmes is a man known for his sound logic, powers of reasoning and deduction, curiosity to solve tougher puzzles each time and as a consulting detective living in 221B, Baker Street, London, England.Β Though he is a fictional character, there is museum dedicated to him in actual Baker Street in London. Such is the popularity he amassed from his adventures documented in the works of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle in the words of his colleague and dear friend Dr. Watson.

After seeing the latest episode of the tv-series based on modern “Sherlock”, “The Abominable Bride”, on a foggy monday morning on my way to lecture, it was going through my mind again due to the brilliance of screen-play and script behind it. Also, another thing crossed my mind that apart from Byomkesh Bakshi, the Indian Avatar of English Sherlock Holmes, no other Indian detective is famous or internationally acclaimed. Just as this crossed, another thought crossed as well: What would happen if Sherlock Holmes had to offer his service in India? πŸ˜€ And here it is πŸ˜€

Since there is no concrete literature about it, hence let us have an humorous take on the subject:

  1. Sweat

There are ample reason why Sherlock won’t succeed in India. First of all, the man wears a suit inside the house and travelling cloak and a hat outside. He would be sweating profusely without any doubt and might even be hospitalized due to excessive dehydration! I mean in India is not the country of suit and boot. It is the land of lungi, dhoti and pajamas and chappals or Sandals. And believe me or not, it is very hard to concentrate when drops of sweats are falling from your nose with each movement of second hand of your wrist watch. For all we know, Dr. Watson might be busy to make him drink water on regular intervals than take notes of what is happening.

2. Different details and deductions

Holmes always require details, as minute as they can be. He claims that it is small details which help in solving the case rather than the big ones. Let us imagine that a murder has been committed and witness saw a man stabbing the other just a few meters ahead of him(obvious truth in the case), and Sherlock and Dr. Watson are called for investigation. As usual, Sherlock interviews the prime witness and he tells him a blunt description. Sherlock routinely asks for anything peculiar happened before or after stabbing. Witness replies: “Yes, Just when killer was about to stab the victim in the chest, there were some small sounds and a rotten smell came from the victim for a few seconds.” Sherlock’s eyes glowed with a possible mystery related to triggered poisoning, sensing which, Dr. Watson plainly said: “Calm down, Holmes, it was a fart. Just a fart.” πŸ˜‰ πŸ˜€ Β A possible scenario. πŸ˜€

3. Gossip and clouded information

Another issue would be bragging and gossiping tendency of us Indians. Let us say there was a kidnapping in a certain village (not my hometown πŸ˜‰ ). And again Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were invited to investigate. Now villagers are always closely connected to each other having information (gossip) about every member of their community. For someone like Sherlock Holmes, it would be only a matter of time to extract useful clues from so much sources around. Some interview dialogues as noted by Dr. Watson: “So when did you last see the victim?” “Hain! O.o “ “Akhri baar ladke ko kab dekha tha?”….“Umm, humare bagal ke gaon wala chacha ji nahi hai kya….wahi jo lambi dakar ke liye poore gaon me jaane jate hai….haan wahi…wo yaha humare gaon me aaye the…apni beti Champa…..haan wahi….jo gana bahut hi acha gaati hai…ek dum koyal ki tarah….haan..to wo Champa ka rishta leke aaye the yaha…or puch rahe the koi layak ladka hai ya nahi. Hum issi sadak se jaa rahe the…apne padosi ki mausi ki bitiya…wahi jiske aadmi ka bada se khet hai gaon ke bahar…. haan..to ussi ke bete ko dekhne. To jaise hi hum gali me mudde to hum kya dekhte hai………. (long dramatic pause)” “Tumne ladke ko dekha udhar?”….”Arey nahi nahi bhai, bata rahe hai na…. rukiye to thoda…kahi bhaga thodi na jaa raha hai! AREY O CHOTU KI MAA, jara chai to bhijwana 3 cup! Sath me biscuit bhi. Haan…to jaise hi to gali me mudde…dekhte kya hai ki…wo tailor master ka ladka…..haan wahi…jo kal parso aam ke bagiche me bhi pakda gaya tha….wahi wahi….wo ek bhensiya ko pathar maar raha tha. Humko bahut hi bura laga….jaam ke dutkar lagaye….to ek dum hawa hua udhar se. Fir jaise hi padosi ki mausi ki bade khet wali beti ke ghar me ghus rahe the apan bagal ke gaon wala dakar chacha ke sath unki beti ka rishta liye to …….piche se “ladka” namaste karta hua gaya. Shayad wahi tha…shakal to thik se dekh nahi paaye. Badi hi jaldi me the bhaiya <Spits gutkha near by>” Sherlock fainted!

4. Political Pressure

Now apart from such mundane hindrances in investigation, Sherlock might have to face political pressure too. Let us say he was called to investigate about the scam by some politician. The politician came to know about it, and called Sherlock for a meeting. Sherlock, habitual to meet intelligent criminals like Moriarty, went to the politician with similar expectations. A man of habits, he arrived on time and then waited for 2 hour for the politician to arrive and meet him. Sherlock opened his mouth to make a statement of observations he had made in that little time about him and just then politician said: “Ama, bakwaas to kijiyega nahi! Hum jaante hai hum kon and aur ye bhi ki aap kaun hai! Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson, ek hi request hai aap se ki ye scam me jyada khusar-pusar karne ki jarurat to hai nahi! Jitna investigation karna tha wo humari banai hui “Investigation Team” kar li hai aur report bhi de di hai! Uske left-right me thodi si bhi budbud kiye na public me…to kaha hawa hoke…kidhar prakat hoge…..ye tumhari amma bhi nahi jaan payegi! To apni keemat boliye or mamle ko yahi rafa-dafa kar dijiye….nahi to ye scam ki money ki tarah aapko bhi gayab kar denge…keh de rahe hai abhi se. -_- ” <Holmes facepalm>

So after 3 classic cases, suffering from sweat, humidity, temperature, gossiping Indians, inability to solve a case due to inaccurate and irrelevant information, political pressure, destroying of evidences, corruption, and of course the “good” publicity from press, Sherlock Holmes was seen leaving India with a one way ticket of course! “Elementary, my dear readers. Purely Elementary” πŸ˜‰

PS: Sorry for a long post. But the content was so much that I had to write.

Mae Alssalama (Good Bye in Arabic) πŸ™‚


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